I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
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I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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