Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
