he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
