My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I wish there were birth control emojis
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
