I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
