if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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