Even the bartender felt bad for me
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
