I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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