Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
