About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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