I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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