I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
