Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
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I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
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Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.