so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.