The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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