i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.