Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i used baking grease as lip gloss
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you