After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
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did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
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After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.