Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?