I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
