i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Randomize
