My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
