the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
