I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
