he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
