I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
