Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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