I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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