if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN