News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.