We're facebook friends in real life
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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