ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
it was like eating out sand paper
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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