guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
