My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
