Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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