seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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