sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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