i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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