Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
