i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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