I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
