ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
