I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
