i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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