i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Couch. On fire.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
