I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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