I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
