you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
