Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
BRING THE BAGELS
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
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