There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
