He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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