I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize