Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
