My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
