I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
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