last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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