Do you still have your period?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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