Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
