yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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