70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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