My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
