dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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