I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
